Lauren, I'll share what I am going through. After years of hard work and study I am ready to work at my Career. A job programme to prove my skills was orgainzed last summer. Like you, lots of people are exicted about the work I am going to be involved in because my much needed skills are needed in areas looking for what I can provide. The Grant was approved LAST SUMMER, and for some reason it has jammed. It still has not arrived! After the first two months I was having meltdowns with worry and suspicion that I was being strung along. I have a very supportive employment team working with me whose professionalism I have learned to trust. As hard as it was for me to believe them, I listened to what they were telling me. "Your employment is your goal. You have entered the process which is taking you there. Listen to what is going on in your life right now, Focus on the things that come up along the way and stop worrying. See it as a journey." At the beginning of March I got very sick. So sick, I could not think about work or anything else. I did not want to think about anything." That is when I let go of trying to control my circumstances with worry and anxiety and angry outbursts and discouragements. I just let go and began focussion on the NOW. I began to work on keeping my mind on what is real and happening right now instead of allowing my mind to run into the future and the whys and I need money. I began picking up on part time work here and there, filing for someone, cleaning, running errands. anything that brings me a few bucks to tide me over. I began to realize I was learning a lot from these small ordinary jobs, I began to see the gift in each, I began to express gratitude and thanksgiving for what I do have, (I wake up in the morning, I am alive to live and learn from anyother day. Paying for a strangers cup of coffee. small things, my hands, that I can walk, that I can write, for my literate skills. I am polishing up on my social and professional skills. etc) I do presentation work. I was directed to use this time to turn my presentations into a book and audio format so I will have a complete package to offer people options with. I stopped thinking about what I don't have and started paying attention to what I do have. The more I recognize what I do have and express gratitude for them, the more good stuff to be happy about comes to me. When I get depressed, I buy a flower, if that is all I can afford and I give it a special place in my home. I thank the flower for calling my attention to it in a special way. I get a coffee and find a really nice place to have it in where I can do some journal writing.
Here's the big news. 30 years ago I was set up to loose everything I had. No matter how qualified or capable I may be, I faced being employment blacklisted because I got caught up in advocating for people who could not speak for themselves. When I lost all my money, all the people who fiilled my space and could do something to help me, chose not to, and took off. I fell apart and felt horribly betrayed. All alone as a single parent with no where to turn. I asked my Higher Power to protect me from homelessness. I lived in a shack but was grateful that I have electricity and a functional kitchen and washroom. I swallowed my pride and went to foodbanks. I never gave up. Today while most people are getting ready to retire, I cannot give in to the thought of sitting back. I choose not to allow anyone or any circumstance rob me of my right to live and live well. I met with people who are professional people whom I admired and asked them for advice. If no one wanted to know me because I was "poor" or "crazy" according to them, I rose above all that, learned the subjects of my interests well. I asked each problem that came up what it was here to teach me. I asked to be led to the right help. When I would be turned down, I learned to look for the gift in the loss. And here I am 30 years later, on the verge of my employment breakthrough which just is not opening it's door to me. Then this music comes along. Guess what? I set a goal for myself to be happy. That's it. Not momey, not job. Just to be happy, and professionally, only to meet people who will support my empllyment. The first thing after the first two days of lovely feelings happening for me using the music, I realize I am blocking myself from moving forward because I have not let go of the hurtfulness I experienced in the past, and I have to let go of being angry. I could not believe it! After all this hard work, this is what I am dealing with. because it is an invisable wall my subconsicious has set up that I have to brig down. I thank and am grateful for what I do have, and even though I don't mean it, I say repeatedly, "I forgive the past, wish it well and let it go and move forward into an exceptionally rewarding career employemt that enriches me on all levels of myself." I say this all the time, every day. It is said it takes 28 days to replace old limiting beliefs with new ones. I have begun to feel the excitement, now and then I feel joy, I keep slipping into discouragement. I face the monsters that surface head on when they surface, ask to see the gifts they are trying to give me, what have I learned from the hardships. My last thought at night before I go to sleep is a positive one, even if it is simply "Thank You", My first through when I wake is a positive one asking for supports to come to me to help me reach my goal and meet my needs.
I choose not to give up. I could give into a discouragement. I am responsible for my own success, If I have to do it alone, then that is the way it has to be. If others are bothered by being in my company, they are free to leave. I have the internet I can travel and learn from.
I had to change my mindset Lauren. Now when I look back on the last year, I realize if a lot of the things I had wanted had come through, I would have missed out on the learning which only enriches what I offer. When old friends fall away, it makes place for new and more mature ones to repalce them.
If I feared aloneness and poverty, those were the two things that hit me the hardest till I learned the lessons they taught me.
You do not bring up the unconscious beliefs Lauren, they show up in their own time. If nothing is changing it is because something about me that needs to change is not changing, and that is when I ask it to show itself, and till it does, I keep doing what I am doing.
I know I am going to make it and I am going to have a life more than I can dream of. But it is necessary for me to learn to live with the NOW. The Power of Now is an amazing read.
I am really happy I ended up completely alone, because out of the nothing and alone, I began to find the new and the supports. The old were just keeping me where I was.
Begin Gratitude Journal as soon as possible. Look for the little things you have taken for granted to be thankful for. Go to the park and watch children at play, observe people and their behaviours. Do something different. Take a break from the routine.
Practicing to live in the NOW is by far the best different thing I have done, and learning to be grateful for what I do have instead of what I don't have. The more I fought what was not happeneing for me no matter how hard I worked, guess what? The more the 'not happening' kept coming to me :).
Keeping the routine with the music is a must for me. I started the programme and I have to run it through the 28 days as recommended.
When I asked myself the question "On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most, how much do I love myself." It blew me away when I realized I had been putting me last on the list of people I was loving. I had to change that and learn to live authentically, and watch that what I did for others was sincere and I was giving freely without any attachments to "If I give this, I'll get that in return." If course I can only give out of my strengths, giving isn't always about what money can buy.
Take a break and go for a walk in a beautiful garden as you drift off to sleep, saying thank You for having a beautiful garden to think of as the closing thought of your night. Wish the world happiness as you doze off.
I relate to what you are saying Lauren.
"When does the magic begin?" you ask. It has always been with you. You are breathing, and your breath is keeping you alive to live your dream life. The fact you see a beautiful thing is magic. How many people pass by beautiful thing, and happy children laughing and don't notice these life changing, inspiring, magical moments.
Lauren, I can only speak of what I experience and how I deal with problems.. .
If your problem was something I was facing, I would ask, "Why am I expeirencing this loss?" or "What is this loss here to teach me?" and be open to receiving an answer.
Send your concern to the Support on this site..
I hope you find a supportive answer.
When I experience blocks like these, I recognize I have some inner unresolved issues I have to deal with. When new stuff comes into our space, we have to let go of old stuff that is keeping the new from coming in. When experiencing set backs, I ask the experience what it is here to teach me. This is how I deal with my problems. Our higher selves block what is not meant for us because there is something better on its way in. Hope this helps.